Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize