the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Two words: nipple clamps
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