I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
