Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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