The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
