areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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