If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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