For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
