She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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