I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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