So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
