I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
