my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
