Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
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