I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
