is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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