I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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