i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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