if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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