I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
you would pick up someone in the library
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
3 2 1 whiskey
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
