before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
