Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
