Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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