"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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