if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
