What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
