you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
