saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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