I think i peed on brittanys purse
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
