sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
