I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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