you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
