I hate your face
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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