Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
i just wanna soil my oats bro
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
