Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
