My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
