Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
