how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
