when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Is it penis luge time yet?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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