She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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