Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
