i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
