I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Randomize
