Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
