I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You ruined the universe
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
