Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
