I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
your like the ambassador to my penis.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I have post one night stand depression
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