hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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