i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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