I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
