My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
naw, they were rude, not me.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
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I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.