1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
