We named our party play list daddy issues
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
