I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
