his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
