Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
